true friends stab you in the front

I love a jar of peanut butter that lists as its ingredients, peanuts. You know what you’re getting; no surprises, no guessing…just peanuts. Even better … something that doesn’t need a list cause what you see is what you get – like good old-fashioned broccoli. (Seriously, I have to spell-check broccoli every time, and I mean every time in the last 52 years….like, how can my brain not get it?!)

It’s too bad people don’t come with a list of ingredients.

Tony … friendly, aggressive, kind if he gets his own way, salty

Barb … sweet, demure, will stab you in the back if you disagree, sugary

I’ll never forget Pam. She was a client in an old-age home where I once volunteered. What a piece of work! She loved to smoke but had no access to tobacco of any kind. But it was all she thought about, day and night, plotting a strategy that might land her a coveted dart. She would sidle up alongside and launch her daily seduction on one or another of the workers.

“Hi Kim! You look so nice today!”

“Thanks, Pam, you look pretty stunning yourself!”

You’re my favourite helper around here!”

“Pam, you’re too nice, but thanks!”

“Oh, by the way, you wouldn’t happen to have a cigarette, would you?”

“Sorry, Pam, I don’t sm….”


Now I will concede this is a little harsh, maybe just a little too forthright! But, in another sense, kind of refreshing. I rather like knowing where I stand, and I can take it to my face. But the truth is….Most of us are a lot more considerate than Pam.

We only talk about people behind their backs!!!

Years ago I had this ‘sorta friend’ who had breath that could knock you over. It actually smelled worse than shit! Sorry, but o.em.gee. it was severe. I never told her. Her bestie didn’t tell her. To be fair, she didn’t ask but stilllllll. We all knew. She finally hooked a man in her mid-forties and hopefully HE TOLD HER.

So here’s my advice on how to be a good friend, a true one.

Stab your friends in the front.

Or simply, tell them the truth. Even when they don’t ask. Also, when they do.

Tell them about gross breath. and dental floss.

Tell her (esp when it comes to hair) that orange is NOT the new blonde.

And he needs to know that mullets should be illegal.

Tell him his jeans are too tight.

Tell her she should only sing in the shower.

Tell him to stop screaming at his wife.

Tell her when that married man is up to no good.

Tell her to get off Facebook while she’s out to dinner with you.

Tell him to stop complaining.

And her to quit the gossip.

Tell her 3 selfies a day are 3 too many.

Tell them both to quit whining.

Tell him neck beards are out.

Tell her when her butt looks big in those jeans. But ONLY when she asks.

Tell them to quit smoking. Buy Q-tips. Get off the couch. Trim nose hair. Close mouth when eating. Stop sucking their snot. And scratching their parts. Stop taking things personal. Shower more than once a week.

No judging here … just the truth. IN LOVE ❤ And here’s the thing. You gotta’ be able to take it when it’s your turn.

I can’t believe I’m gonna’ say this. Years ago, when I would get very excited in the middle of an amazing story, sometimes I would spray the listener with a little spit. Fuck, that’s gross.  Anyhow, I’m a very excitable person who can get talking very fast and not want to take breaks to swallow. Apparently, my friends all stood just a couple feet back when I told a story… an unspoken rule of sorts. And everyone kind of knew this about me. One day the only person in that crowd who is still my friend had the nerve to tell me.

Say it. Don’t spray it.

I admit. I was humiliated. But even more humiliating was the knowledge that everyone was thinking it and, worse, saying it behind my back. Getting stabbed in the face freakin’ kills, but at least the wounds can heal. Back stabs just scab over, get picked, bleed, and scab over again. Plus, scabs that get picked over and over leave scars. Thanks to my true friend, I take my time now and talk more slowly and seldom spray. Except that time I ran 10km in 46 minutes. And got 100 on an essay from the toughest teacher in uni. And pooped a 12 inch log. There are certain things you can’t say without a little spray.

And while you’re at it, maybe examine why you don’t tell your friends the truth. Maybe you like to have “one-up” on them. Or enjoy being the driver. or the prettiest. or most popular. Maybe you feel better about your shit because after all, your friend’s a sprayer-what could be worse than that?!

And a little shout-out to my best ones. The face stabbers in my life. whom I love.

This one told me to stop spraying!
This one calls me on my crap ALWAYS. She once said to stop boasting. gulp.
This one has always told me the truth about details … like my eyebrows aren’t even, or my teeth are yellow, or when clothes are ugly and hair is orange.
This one ALWAYS tells me when my butt looks big.
This one is blunt. She often reminds me not to be a know-it-all. Sheesh.

Friendship blood bleeds blue. true blue. 

Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.

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