i’mperfectly okay

It wasn’t until my mid-forties that I gave up on perfection. And actually decided it was a crock, a sort of imposter, if you will. Imposing unattainable demands and impossible standards that left me feeling defeated and worthless  NOT TO MENTION EXHAUSTED!!! Before this forty-something disrobing event, I prided myself on being completely put-together and loved being that person who could do it all….in heels and without breaking a sweat!

And to tell the truth I could actually manage quite a lot. It wasn’t unusual for me to work all day, serve homemade lasagna for dinner, bathe all three kids, fit in an hour workout at the gym, and be home to put the kids to bed with Dr Seuss, Mother Goose, and lullabies. Then I’d wash the kitchen floor, do a few loads of laundry, and make tomorrow’s homemade dinner!!! Also, I did this for 25 years.

It’s no wonder that I got sick, cancer-kind-of-sick!

You know the worst thing about being perfect? People can’t connect with you…Weirdly, you’re trying to impress others and win friends, but in reality you’re alienating them. Cause your perfection is actually making them all feel even worse than they already do! 

Nobody wants to be around someone whose shit doesn’t stink!

After cancer, I decided to start showing up as myself. 

It’s time for us all to get real. To stop saying what we think others want to hear. When we’re with our brothers, it’s YO BRO, with our yogis, it’s May the radiance and the divinity of the universe shine from my heart to yours …. can I just pause here for a moment? WTF?!?! There are much more imperfectly perfect ways to say that like for instance, Love you. 

But listen to this. I was so dedicated to perfection that I would make up stories about the imperfect things in my perfect world. Such as my marriage. Once, I saw a beautiful navy suit in the window of the Eaton Centre Bay. I bought it. And I felt so beautiful in it. When others asked where I got it, I said husband had surprised we with this suit, I called it my love suit. Pretty sure I actually believed it!

poorlostgirl.

Then people would think, Wow, her husband is perfect too!

HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON HERE!!! How pathetic. But mostly sad.

So today I’m showing up as myself.

And I hope this frees you to do the same.

Here goes….

7 Things About Me that aren’t exactly perfect:

1. I tend to either go to the extreme or do nothing.

I seem to operate on extremes. So, if I can’t run a fantastic 20km, then I’d rather walk. Or if I don’t have time to clean the entire house in detail, I’ll let the entire thing fall apart. I don’t know who said this, but I heard it somewhere once and it stuck, Direction is a lot more important than speed. I’ve gotten much better at focusing on the big picture step by little step, and it sure makes life a lot more fun!

2. I eat really fast.

When my twins were babies, I got into the habit of gobbling down my food before either of them woke and wanted their food. Cause I happened to be their food! I nursed them both so I was pretty much constantly in demand. That was 24 years ago so it’s probably time to slow down and taste the farm! 

3. I like to pick scabs.

I know! That is so embarrassing! But let’s qualify this…I ONLY like to pick MY scabs! I know people who like to pick OTHER PEOPLE’S SCABS!!!!! That. is. so. wrong. iactuallygetexcitedwhenicutmyselfcausesooniwillhaveascab. Let’s move on.

4. I worship food.

No. You don’t understand, people. I. WORSHIP. FOOD. I just heard a heavenly choir singing in my ear. After breakfast, I think about lunch. After lunch, I think about supper. After supper, I think about snacks. If When I wake up in the middle of the night, I wonder what I’ll eat the next day. This is strange because I’ve never really been overweight. Functioning foodaholic. It’s a new year.

5. I have a falth tooth.

Normally, I don’t include physical flaws as imperfections, but this one is blatant so it deserves mention. When I was very little, I was sledding and my hands were cold so I wrapped the rope of the sled around my first new bottom tooth and pulled it up the hill!!! This would have been fine umm yah probably not if another kid hadn’t jumped on the sled. I had an implant for 20 years, but last year it fell out. Since then, I’ve been wearing a falth tooth -until I feel like a bunch of surgeries to get it fixed. It’s the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever worn… besides bras and underwear. So, when I get home I pop it out. Not my sexiest look. 

6. I can’t remember people’s names.

And I can’t blame it on menopause, I’ve always struggled with this. Freud’s many stages of psychosexual development. No problem. 6 steps for perfect lasagna. No problem. The Sanskrit name for every yoga pose. Easy peasy. Your name? ONLY if I can associate it with something else. So if you’re Oliver I’ll remember cause that’s my dog’s name. If you’re Rose then that’s my fav flower. I never forget an April cause I love Spring. Sorry to every other name. I promise you this, though, I always remember hearts.

7. I don’t listen enough.

This is a work in progress. When I was barely two, my nickname was Chatterbox. I pretty much have loved to talk since I was born. It’s helped me in school. And I don’t even relate to the word shy. But people who talk too much can’t hear. We have two ears and one mouth so we should listen more than we say. Thanks, Zeno. I’m listening.

There you have it. And why 7 things? Cause that’s my favourite number, that’s why!

It feels good to be real.

It especially feels good when I pop out my falth tooth, get rid of the bra and go commando.

IMG_3376.jpgIt’s a new year! Here’s to getting real!

Enjoy Day 5.


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