All i want for christmas is hemorrhoids

So. Christmas starts for me every November 24. For a couple reasons. The boys’ birthday is on November 23 so we celebrate that first cause I’ve always felt sorry for those kids who lose their birthdays to Christmas. Even it’s with someone as big a deal as Jesus, what kid really wants to share their birthday?! Besides,they already have to share with their brother, that’s bad enough without Jesus getting in on the action!!! Nov 23 still gives us exactly one month which actually feels perfect to me. The baby boys were due on December 15 so I was pretty relieved when they showed up three weeks early. Perfect timing.

Second reason:  I’ve ONLY ever had a REAL tree, MY ENTIRE LIFE. FOR 51 YEARS. And as beautiful as fake artificial trees have become in this modern day and age, they will never compare to a real living breathing beautiful tree. And yes they are messy but so are all the absolute best  things in life.

Like children.

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And dogs.

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Real fires in real fireplaces.

and chicken wings. also ribs.

Relationships.

Messy is good. Messy is living.

And so is my tree.

Which goes to the curb on Jan 2 every year so that’s about 5 weeks. Just before it starts to dry out. Perfect timing.


So. This past Thursday morning, which was Nov 24 the first day of Christmas, as I sat with a coffee and a pen and paper, ready to write out my never-ending Christmas list of things to-do, the morning BM interrupted. 8:10am on the dot. Just like every morning. And the older I get, the more I appreciate the beautiful regularity of my bowels. As big a deal as a good night’s sleep or a healthy meal or daily exercise. But for some reason we all like to pretend that we are the exception to this stinky rule!

Only this first day of Christmas BM is different than every one I’ve ever had in 51 years….It’s full of red! LOTS OF RED. Christmas red.

Now there’s a few holes I can handle red no problem…my nose and vajayjay holes. The fireplace hole on Christmas Eve when Santa drops in. But NOT thee stink hole.

NOT THEE STINK HOLE!!!

It.is.not.good.to.drip.red.from.thee.stink.hole. Ever.

So what’s the first thing every one in a similar situation does?

GOOGLE, duh.

And the news wasn’t good.

UNLESS I HAD HEMORRHOIDS!!!

Only, there were five little problems with this situation:

  1. I’m 51, and I’ve never had a hemorrhoid.
  2. My sister had colon cancer.
  3. She was 39.
  4. She found out when red dripped from her stink hole.
  5. My Mom died of colon cancer.

Next, I called my sister. Since she’d been there, done that, I figured she’d know what to do.

Me: Kat, there’s red dripping from my stinkhole.

Kat: OMG!!! GET TO THE EFFING EMERGENCY ROOM NOW!!!

I can always count on Kat to get me even more worked up in every situation. I remember calling to tell her that I had breast cancer 8 years ago.

Me: Kat, I have cancer, it’s in my breast.

Kat: OMG!!! YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!


So. That is how I ended up in the emergency room on the first day of Christmas. And that’s exactly where I’m sure I was meant to be on that very holy day.


I needed a reminder. I’ve had one wake-up call. Cancer 8 years ago. Most of us get wake-up calls. Not cancerous ones, necessarily, but life-changing events that shift us….hopefully in a  better direction.

I was in need of a little re-shifting.

Cause the moment you see red where it doesn’t belong, your life flashes before your eyes, especially if this red stuff has shown up in your family a few times before. 

You say to yourself, Shit! (In my case, I literally did!)

What are you doing?!

Letting your life pass you by missing all those magical moments….the ones when time stands still. They’re everywhere, sprinkled all over our every days.

Like the way the rain sounds on the roof in the middle of the night. Thank God for menopause cause you might have slept through the rain. And missed that sound. That sound to make the blankets feel cozier, heavier. That sound to make your simple life feel romantic. That sound to make every care disappear. That sound. The sound of God.

Like the blessed nighttime air of this perfect November. November when the smells are different and the food tastes better. The bright orange month of November sprinkled with cinnamon, it will draw you in if you let it. Breathe it in. To keep you warm on the frigid January nights to come.

Or the lady in emergency propped in a wheelchair waiting. and waiting. Who looks at me as I sit to wait also, What a lovely sweater, Dear. I pull it closer and smile, An elderly Newfoundland woman knit this sweater. That kind lady. This beautiful sweater. In a hospital emergency room.

These moments are fast-they don’t stick around. Blink and you’ll miss them.

Don’t wait for the red!!!

This Christmas season take in the little moments. There will be red everywhere. Let it remind us.

And my Christmas list this year? Just one thing.

Hemorrhoids. 

Merry 7th day of Christmas!

P.S. Please check your breasts for lumps. And if there’s ever any red in any of the wrong holes, see your doctor. Never take chances. Also, eat healthy and exercise. Give us all the gift of you for just a little longer!

The. End. xo


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