In the red again

So the other day I ran about in my light grey track pants running a few errands. Yes, I wore track pants out in public! But you guys!!! Add a fitted long sleeve black top, big sunglasses, a cute toque and a cool attitude that says I meant to put these on, and you can get away with track pants, plus they’re Roots, the best track pants everrrrr! I was rocking the look, even felt like people were noticing me, kind of doing a double take giving me those I thought that was Scarlett Johansson looks?! I was feeling very fifty-something cool …. Isn’t 50 the new 40?!

Mr P is raking when I pull into the driveway and open the trunk to pull out the groceries.

“Babe, what’s on your butt?!”

“That would be Roots!” I laugh, sure that he’s referring to the word splashed across said part and using an excuse to talk about body parts that could bring the convo around to good old-fashioned sex….

“No, it’s red and…..”

In an instant, I was back in grade 7, edging my way out of Math class in my red-stained white jeans. I learned that lesson the hard way, Only wear black when it’s flooding down south… But 40 years later?!

Scarlett Johansson can kiss my ass!!!!


I should have known something like this could happen especially after I sneezed last week and pissed all over my couch.

I really wasn’t that surprised, but thank god I was alone. For a while now, I’ve had to grab my nether parts when I felt a sneeze building, but that day it was a choice between spilling my hot coffee or sitting in warm pee. Staring at the round fist-sized wet spot, I surrendered. Even though I still felt 21, my body had continued to roll through the decades, ticking off the years, faster and faster as I got older.

“I can’t believe it’s October already!”

I heard myself saying such phrases more often. And as the seasons flew by and October came again and again eventually along with October came a piss spot on my couch.

And menopause.

MENOEFFINPAUSE!


I’ve taken on a few feisty opponents… cancer was no walk in the park, and divorce is even messier than those tabloid headlines at the local Walmart check-out…. but nothing has knocked me down quite like menopause!!!

For starters, I’ve pretty much been bleeding to death for about the last year and a half. For about 40 years, my period has been dependably 3-5 days long exactly every 28 days. Now, it lasts between 7-10 days about every 3 weeks!!!

If you do the math, I’M PRESENTLY IN THE RED AT LEAST HALF MY LIFE!!!

Besides the obvious red stuff, menopause periods bring a ton of baggage.

I’m exhausted all of the time…

weepy some of the time…

angry a bit of the time…

hungry EVERY SINGLE MINUTE…

bloated…

confused…

heavy…

did I mention tired?

AND CONSTANTLY WONDERING ABOUT THE MEANING OF LIFE IS ACTUALLY VERY EXHAUSTING!!!

Then there’s the hot flashes. My naturopath tells me they are triggered by stressful situations. Well, guess what people? ! ? Apparently we’re stressed about three quarters of the time and we don’t even know it?! Yup. Something as simple as making dinner -the three-step, ready in 10 minutes variety (I’ve heard people make those!) is even stressful.

Unless, of course, Bradley Cooper is chopping the vegetables. Sigh.

He took his mother to the Oscars. Double Sigh…..

But the worst part …. just a sec cause I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT I WAS GONNA’ SAY!!!

Yup! That’s right! I have no idea what the worst part is because people I can’t remember!!!

So maybe this is the universe telling me to stop! And smell the roses. fading roses. But still.

And I get the last laugh because Scarlett pretty much means red. period.

rose-695215_1280

ps. I remembered the worst part…It’s the menobelly. sheesh.

 


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