how to have the best shits

I’m going green. I probably should say I’m going greener. 

About 6 months ago, largely due to menopause trickery, my belly grew larger post meat- eating forays. It didn’t take long, usually within minutes. Just like a tire pump had been plugged into my belly button and then it slowly inflated my tummy until I looked about 5 months pregnant. From there it would take me about 24 hours to give birth AT WHICH POINT I WOULD SWEAR OFF MEAT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE SO HELP ME GOD AS LONG AS I LIVED FROM THIS DAY FORTH … you get the point. no more meat. But mothers inevitably forget   the pain and start painting a pink room right alongside the blue one. And most marathoners end up running another marathon. Just like I would invariably forget the bloated painful belly and eat another steak.

The thing is I could marry steak. I grew up eating meat, and we had an amazing relationship. Besides, growing up in a family with 6 siblings made steak and roast beef luxury items which of course stamped into my brain these mental maps that it was special. Which is confusing. Because maybe I don’t really like meat; rather, we’re just emotionally attached. Anyhow, I did start eating meat again, but only once a week to start which then turned into about three times a week.

The easy part of this whole experiment is that I LOVE vegetables. They would be the bridesmaids when I married steak. cause they are my yummy besties.

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But, being human, I WANT WHAT I CAN’T HAVE!!! And so all I think about is steak. and roast beef. and I can’t believe we’re getting a divorce. It’s one of those situations, I love you, but I’m not in love with you. And really I’m the one being rejected because it all goes back to my bloated belly.

So, here goes. I’m going to eat mostly vegetables. And I’ll look forward to a one-night stand with steak about once a month. I really don’t have much choice. My gut is telling me this is the way to go. And honestly when I eat mostly vegetables, I feel GREAT! More focused. lighter. less tired. energetic. I love how I feel. AND THE SHIT!!! Green-eating BM’s are incredible works of art!

Cheers to a greener future!

Hint: Crystal goblets make vegetable smoothies feel decadent. almost naughty. And I SWEAR they taste better when treated like a queen! Don’t we all?! I like it.

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I wonder if green smarties would be considered green eating?!

If anyone has a green recipe to share, my stomach would thank you. 🙂


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