My kids insist when they were little, I would trap them under my fundamental jean skirt and fart on them! Now, before you are disgusted by my very poor mothering techniques AND JUDGE ME cause I know you are all wonderful mothers who would NEVER fart on your kids, I honestly don’t remember this particular family activity!
That is not to say I’ve been the perfect mother, without my own unique challenges!
I confess to singing, “I’m leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again…” just to see their little bottom lip curl and shake in that absolutely adorable way every child has!!!
“Oh sweetie, Mommy’s not going anywhere without you!” I’d immediately reassure them with kisses and hugs, stifling my laughter. But I snapped the pic just in time! And I felt all glowy knowing that these tiny little humans couldn’t live without me. For the record, I’ve never left these humans, whether big or small, and I never will!
My psychology books warn against parents like me. Thank god these kids turned out normal. Pretty much.
I also admit to biting their heads!
QUIT THE JUDGING! NOW!!! This is tough shit I’m hashing up….Besides, those little humans were biting everything in sight! Their toys and crib rails… Tommy the Cat’s tail… My leather shoes… the only pair I had. Their brother’s and sister’s fingers. and legs. and heads. The arm of the new couch… the one we bought at Leon’s which took 15 years to pay off!!! … and which they had already coloured with their Crayola markers while the babysitter napped.
AND I’M SUPPOSED TO FEEL BAD FOR BITING THEIR HEADS EVERY NOW AND THEN?!!!
They were more like little love nips, absolutely harmless, like a puppy nibbling on your heels! The way they talk, you’d think they needed stitches every time! Warning: Kids grow up and hold things against you! And they tell stories. More like lies! Now that they’re stronger than me, I’ve suffered a few head bites and it doesn’t hurt at all! Barely.
BUT FARTING ON THEIR HEADS UNDER MY FUNDAMENTAL JEAN SKIRT?!?! NO FREAKIN’ WAY!!! NOPE. NO WAY. NOT BUYIN” IT.
It could be a memory I’ve blocked cause the shame is too great. BUT I’M STILL PRETTY SURE I WOULDN’T DO THAT!!! Then again, boys love anything stinky, especially farts, so maybe I was trying to make them laugh?! NO WAY. NOT A CHANCE.
What kind of a mother would do something like that?!
Last week I had to make a youtube video for a new course, Sociology of Families. About me and my thoughts on family. It was a pretty novice attempt that wasn’t scripted. Of course, a lot of it was about my children, and siblings and parents, Mr President too! But it didn’t stop there. I heard myself including the world as a bigger family, a community. People helping one another, supporting and loving, giving of themselves. Yup. We’re all part of a family that extends way beyond our nucleus.
I’ve been a member of a few….
A church family. Singing in the choir, making meals for the sick and unfortunate, gossiping, gossiping, gossiping! Sweating under our heavy jean skirts, wearing pantyhose in July! Picnics, ballgames, conferences, banquets! And always gossiping. Easter dresses, Christmas cantatas, Thanksgiving pumpkins. And sermons about gossip. Family stuff.
A running family. A sweaty bunch who obsess over mere minutes, even seconds, plan their poop sessions, and aren’t afraid to piss their pants in front of someone and then laugh about it! Encouragers. Competitors. They gossip too. About their knees and hips and joints and calves! They love you but secretly want to beat you! We know about pain, and it bonds us. Family.
A yogi family. Sending love, light, energy, peace, joy, beauty, and goodness to all. Who can afford it! Opening hearts and removing blocks, a truly beautiful experience if one can stay on their own mat. Where we belong. That eschewing meat (I could marry steak!), drinking green smoothies made of stuff like spinach and kale (which I actually really do love!), fancy yoga clothes-wearing crowd! It’s a family.
How about those friends that aren’t blood but put up with a bloody lot! Our Facebook family-I use the term family very loosely! Pets!!! I could write a book on that kind of love, but someone already did. Neighbours. We see them almost every day. Strangers. Who take the time to smile. Or wave. They’re around most days too.
Your footprints run straight into my heart. Their impression may fade over the years but they’ve shaped me, nevertheless. The good stuff and the stinky too! You are who I am. Stronger. Kinder. More compassionate. Thanks to you. When you farted on my head, I looked inward. Less outward. When I farted on your head, you forgave me. Just like family.
we cried. and laughed. then healed.
Thank you, family. You matter.
AND I SWEAR ON THE BIBLE I DID NOT FART ON MY KID’S HEADS!!!!