Hi god, How are you? I am fine, mostly.
My toes are pretty sore though. I’m gonna’ lose a few toenails this week, but the marathon was worth it. Thanks for sticking through it with me. You were exquisite in the form of a kite; red is your colour, the love colour. There was a little boy too, cheering on the side. I had to look twice, I thought it was you. But what a perfect vessel for you, no guile in a child, just wonder. Delirium can do funny things to a head; I thought you were everywhere.
I started my period again. That’s a real bummer. Red. The colour of love. And death. This menopause challenge is kind of beating me up. But I can’t pass Go without it. I know I’ve been through worse things than this, cancer’s no joke, but I’m not handling it the same. I’ll keep plugging though. You can count on that. Black tops will smuggle the menobelly wherever I go. And a little botox never hurt anyone. Right?
I’ve never taken things personally, and I still mostly don’t. When others are jerks, it’s about them. When I’m a jerk, it’s about me. Period. I’ve never struggled with that. Not since the telling. Remember that time I was shouting at Matt, telling him he needed to clean his room and get his act together? And it turned out it really wasn’t about him at all. So I told him. “I’m sorry, Matty; I’m picking on you because I’m lonely. I love you more than your room. more than life.” The look of love in his eyes. He was You. The telling was the change, accepting my fragility.
But lately, every now and then, I notice little thoughts. Like last night I’m falling asleep and I think, Why wasn’t I invited to the wedding? Menopause trickery, I’m sure. But then I go to the animals. It surprised me too. I love animals, but I’ve never found communion with them in meditation. I’ve always floated to the sky or the ocean, often the forest, but never the animals. I even went to the zoo last week – first time in a dozen years – to see these animals in solid form. But that gave me a happy/sad feeling. Happy to see them, sad they’re not free. Still, they come, and I allow it. And fall asleep not worried about the wedding at all. Cause it ain’t about me. But them.
My kids never leave my mind. Not for a second. But you know that. I want Jess’ knees to stop hurting when she runs. Because running is healing her mind. May she live in peace. I want Drew to be safe in faraway lands. And his gentle, loving heart to be protected from those who are less gentle and loving. I want Matt to be afraid. And brave. Enough to be afraid. My god, you know the depth of my love for these humans. They run through my veins. Keep them today. In this moment. Peacefully.
Well, I gotta’ go! Lecture in half an hour. New prof … hope she’s nice. What I really mean is easy! I’m gonna’ run later and see if I can come to grips with the fact that I’m taking on another marathon in 10 days. And I’ve got to check out a yoga studio in the area. Just like the animals, yoga has been calling me lately too. It’s weird, I crave yoga when I’m taking things personally, puts my head in the right place. It stretches my heart, I think.
Shit! I’m gonna’ be late! Talk again soon.